she is a babe. a sparkling gemstone, not untouched by the world but polished by the sands and the rocks and the wind. she laughs easily and always carries the twinkling stars in her eyes. she is a truth teller, what comes forth from her lips are things solid and divine and gritty, they come from that place where secrets are kept and memories are cherished and things are remembered from long ago. she knows her worth, she is aware of her presence, she is unapologetic of who she is yet she leaves space for me to change her, she leaves space for anything to change her, she is fluid she is quick she is ever-moving and ever-present. she reaches to touch me when she passes by, she grabs my hand in the grocery store aisle, she puts her hand on my knee under the table, she steals kisses in the light of day and reminds me of the lovely things of night. she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, if only to remind herself of why she is here, why she is happy, why she is the luckiest girl who ever lived and how she is not content to unload the burden without that, without thought without progression without change without heart without love without hope. she lights up the world with her smile her dreams her passion, even her tears light the flame which burns brightly in her soul, for she is alive in every moment. she courts me she buys me dinners she is happy to choose for me but she lets me choose dessert she offers her arm on a walk she looks me in the eye as she touches her wine glass to mine she enjoys every flavor every scent every visual element. she lets me treat her like a lady. as i pull her close and tuck her into my nook, i feel her relax and exhale the day. she allows me to see her clearly, not just see her but feel her, her hand on my arm, her cheek on my shoulder, her hair brushes my neck, the pumping of blood and life and warmth flowing through her. her skin smells like the rain, like the wind on my face, like a bulb before it blooms. she cares deeply for me, as i do for her, she understands who i am, why i am, where i am. she sees no wrong in my sensitivities, my emotions, my desires, my dreams. she loves me for those things, not despite them. she doesn’t say im weird; she notices I’m different but she does not constantly point out these things. she appreciates them and loves me for them. she finds pleasure in them. she respects me, and she demands my respect. she’s held out for the kind of love i can give her, and she appreciates it when it comes along. she knows what shes getting herself into, and though cautious at first, once she knows im not going anywhere she dives right in with the same enthusiasm that i have. she teaches me things without mentioning it, without even realizing it. she speaks my love language. she genuinely enjoys my company, my goofiness, my humor, my love, my joy, my childlike curiosity. she accepts me the way i am, without questioning or readjusting. she would never scoff or patronize.
be a solution-minded, optimistic realist
with a passionate dream, from which you never stray,
in your pursuit of success and happiness.
i woke up early this morning with the plan to get a cup of coffee on my way to work. the morning was perfect. i woke up even before my earlier-than-usual alarm, i felt well-rested and joyful, enough so to think that there would be coffee for me at work. as you may recall, i am a nanny, so there is no break room/watering hole where i would have the reassurance of knowing there would be coffee already made/a way for me to make it for myself. the family (being able to afford a nanny) can provide these things for me as well, i.e. kitchen, coffee pot, water, etc. so i skipped the coffee shop and went straight to work. wrong decision. i cleaned the pot of their uber-early morning coffee remnants, filled it with water and looked for the coffee. i saw three, i repeat three, containers of coffee on the counter. wow, I’m thinking, i have such a tough choice, which do i feel like today? as it turns out, i wasn’t in the mood for any of them because they were all empty. all three. empty. fuck. at this point i have a headache and am seriously craving. i looked in the cupboard and there it was, the golden ticket, a bag of whole coffee beans…
if only they had a grinder.
desperation is: hand-grinding whole coffee beans in tupperware with a nut chopper because you just HAVE to have your first cup of the day.
here are some photos from my recent trip to le one, le only, le gorgeous Le Suisse. more to come, as well as stories!
Cuddled in bed while the rain pours down the window panes, light peeking through the blinds making patterns on my arms Walking to grab a cup of coffee to start the day, drips on my hair and down my face and on my tongue Errands are run and money is spent Lounge with a magazine and a glass of wine and a smoke Another cup of coffee this time away from home watching the pairs and threesomes and quartets making their way through the crowded streets pushing and pulling each other to the rhythm of the raindrops and footsteps and heartbeats My days are somehow the same, somehow never changing, I’ve been walking through all these streets and days and hours the same way I’ve always been But now the loneliness stings, it’s cuts my heart quickly and deeply, a knife in my side that’s twisting and jagged. All these things you should be a part of, the things we should share, the places where our spots are being saved, a door held open for no one, an empty seat that waits to be filled.
I don’t think I’ve overcome my fear, so much as become addicted to the all-consuming anticipation of the inevitable.
you know those early stages of a relationship, when you are so flippin excited to get the chance to see the other person, and you daydream about them all the time, and every kiss is pure magic, and you get a rush when they call you “babe”, or “hun” or basically when they call you anything, just to hear the sound of their voice….that stage is so good. thats where im at right now. i can’t get over the fact that in such a short period of time, my heart has become so wrapped up in this other person, this other soul.
you are so precious to me. i hold you very carefully. i don’t want you to slip through the cracks in my fingers. you’re liquid and fluid and in constant motion. you flutter about from place to place and somehow you landed on me. you were patient with me then and still are now. you waited for me to take notice. now i can’t get my mind off you. my eyes light up at the sight of you. my heart feels full even with the smallest and simplest of gestures. i feel safe at your side. not only safe, but satisfied. i am not anxious. i am not worried. i am not fearful. i am not in want. you have the soul of an old friend, one ive known for years, who has seen me grow up and make mistakes and become this girl i am today. you sensed these things in me before you knew me and i sensed it too, even then. you help me, you hold me, you walk with me, you lead me. you laugh with me and smile with me. you set me on fire inside.